D& I

My first impression of D was that she hardly spoke to anyone or hardly went out to make friends. But boy she was pretty!!! All pink and plump and pretty!!! Bit of a mad hatter really… and scruffy to the power infinity!!! She was forever running late, her uniform was barely there…. Shirt half undone…. Skirt hastily fastened…. Belt hanging from its loop… socks bunched at her ankle…canvas shoes completely dirty and in desperate need of wash and a coat of paint and hair that had not seen a comb in a long time. But was she pretty and prickly at the same time!!!!

Initially though we were in the same class, we were not really friends. We were rather unlike each other… she was quiet and taciturn and I was boisterous and considered an extrovert. We were just about starting to form a bond when I moved to another city. Here I was in an alien city, I knew no one, couldn’t relate to the culture, I was lost! To compound my agony, my paternal uncle, who I always was much attached to, passed away. I was devastated. I had not learnt that you were supposed to grieve when you loose your loved ones.

I was always shy, but to hide this inadequacy, I developed a confident brash front. I was really good at this and managed to fool almost all. However I was ill equipped to deal with emotional upheavals. I started to retreat into my shells. I never made too many friends my entire life and being the introvert kind - it also made life difficult as I had very few people close to me. I just gave up, but not D.

Just before D and I had separated we had stated to build a bond- those days we use to write letters. We wrote to each other every week. Then I stopped. Not she. Every week the letters kept coming, I would read them and never reply. Slowly after couple of months and one moment of great catharsis, I became human again. Till date I am grateful to her that she never gave up upon me. I think somewhere I would have lost myself, had she given up on me.

As years rolled by, I came back to my old city (where D lived) and we became much closer. I confided in her- my joys, fears, frustrations, anger, irritation, aspirations, love, crush, infatuation, heartbreak- she has seen it all. And all through – she stood by me.

She taught me how to groom myself, how important it was to make an effort and try and look presentable and not scruffy at all my public appearance. We shared our love for books, music, movies, dancing and the desperate need to be free, independent strong amidst a traditional society. We had similar hopes and aspirations of life. Through it all- she had a great air of vulnerability and I was at my bravado best. She became the mirror in which I see myself. Very recently she told me, “…you are closer to me then my own sisters…” Strangers often mistok us for sisters.

Her life has not been an easy one- she never knew pain and hardship and after her wedding- which was much against the better judgment of her parents- who only relented as the groom was related to me, she knew nothing but pain.

I lived under perpetual guilt and pain knowing this would sound the death knell of a relationship that span over 20 years. What broke my heart and spirit was that somewhere I was responsible for inflicting this pain on her. I have always been rather intrepid and upfront with her- for the 1 st time I did not have the courage to face her- I avoided her parents and was selfishly afraid of loosing my mainstay to sanity. I was afraid of loosing her. I kept praying "If only..."

They say when penance is real, it even moves the Gods. I remember telling D as to how sorry I was for all the pain that came into her life because of me and that I was grateful to her that she did not let all this pain and unpleasantness in her life ruin what we had- and she in her eternal wisdom said that I was more important and whatever was to happen would happen and no one can really stop it.

I always felt protective about her and felt that I was stronger and she was more vulnerable. I couldn't have been more wrong. She only looked fragile but deep inside, her life had toughen her enabling her to rescue me from myself.

We were both once told by a sadhu that we were related by previous birth. We apparently were mother and daughter in previous birth. I don’t know about previous life but if Dr Brian Weiss is to be believed – that soul families travel together, then I would want my mother/daughter to travel with me in all my next births. As a Hindu- we believe in soul and that it keeps taking newer form or rebirths.

Today D is a mother and has a daughter whose name means “Incomparable”. As long as I live D would be “Incomparable” in my life.